Man: I like waking early in the morning.
Woman: Are you sure you haven't missed an "n" out of that sentence?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful
Well they do say that love is blind!
My husband is a man of many parts
Pity they weren't put together properly!
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
I've come to ask for your daughters hand in marriage.
Well you'll have to take the rest of her too or the deals off!
Girls whisper that they love me.
Well they'd hardly say it out loud now would they!
They're the perfect match, he's a history teacher and she likes dates.
They're the perfect match, she lies jogging and he's on the run from the law!
They're the perfect match, she works in the chip shop and there is something fishy about
They're the perfect match, she's a geologist and he's on the rocks!
Hey, you just shot my wife.
I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine!
When plus and minus got married they had an addition to the family. The thing is though he
turned out to be a problem child!
Don't you think that man over there is the ugliest person you've ever seen.
He's my husband.
Oh dear, I am sorry.
If you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your tea
And if I was your husband I'd drink it!
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and said, "There is a burglar in
the kitchen eating my home made steak and kidney pie"
"Oh dear", said her husband "Who shall I call, the police or an
My brother fell in love with his wife the second time he met her.
He didn't know how rich she was the first time!
She wears her engagement ring on the wrong finger.
She probably feels she's engaged to the wrong man!
What did you get your girlfriend for Christmas?
A bottle of toilet water, it cost a fortune.
If you'd have come round our house you could have had as much water from out toilet as you
wanted for free!
He has a leaning towards redheads.
Yes, but they keep pushing him away!
Sir, I'd like your daughter for my wife
Can't she get one of her own!
She was two thirds married once.
What do you mean?
Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom didn't!
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp.
The Genie will only grant him one wish.
The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth.
"POOF" the Genie turns him into a woman!
Do you love me?
Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear
Lemon meringue pie!
Woman: I wish I had a penny for every boy that's asked me out.
Man: Wow, so you'd have enough to use a public lavatory then!
Why is your face all scratched?
My girlfriend said it with flowers.
Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses!
I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin
I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too, but what was that you said about
She's such a nice bird.
She must be if she goes out with a worm like you!
The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend?
But who wants to go out with a computer!
His girlfriend returned all his letters.
I bet she marked them "second class male!"
I wish you were on TV
Would you love me if I were a TV star?
No, but I could switch you off!
Boys fall in love with me at first sight.
Yes but at the second sight they realise they can't stand you!
Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world
What was I wearing?
My boyfriend is really clever, he has brains enough for two.
He sounds like the right boy for you!
I can't leave you.
Do you love me that much?
It's not that, your standing on my foot!
I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend.
I wish I could make a trade like that!
My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to
spend it on her!
I wouldn't say your girlfriend has a big mouth, but when she yawns her ears vanish!
When I grow up I'm going to marry the boy next door
I'm not allowed to cross the road!
I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with.
I dyed my hair!
They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight!
Julie's boyfriend told her he'd lost all his money
What did she say?
I'll miss you darling!
Before she was married your sister turned her husband's head with her good looks. Now she
turns her stomach with her cooking!
Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number?
My girlfriend has beautiful long hair all down her back.
What a pity its not on her head!
I can marry anyone I please.
But you don't please anyone!
My wife is one in a million
Really, I thought she was won in a raffle
Boss: Why do you want time off next week?
Employee: To get married
Boss: What stupid woman would marry you?
Employee: Your daughter!
If Miss Piggy married Mr Back she'd be Piggy Back
Have you noticed how many girls don't want to get married these days
No, how do you know
I've asked all of them!
The girl I marry will have to be able to take a joke
That's the only kind your going to get!
The First Kiss
At the end of their first date, a
young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for
that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents
will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come
down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom
If you love
something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in
the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!